The other day when I dropped the girls off at preschool, I noticed that a new sign had gone up in the front entryway. It read, "Pre-K Graduation, May 29th. More Details to Follow Soon."
And so it begins...the march towards elementary school. Juliana is wrapping up her final three months of pre-K and I'm trying to figure out where the time has gone.
When we brought her home from the hospital, she weighed in at a petite 5 lbs., 7 oz. Today, she's 46 pounds of rough and tumble kid, wearing 5Ts, getting her own snacks out of the fridge, and continuously astounding me with new vocabulary words and questions about life, the universe, g-d, space and other various topics. Who is this child and what has she done with my teeny little baby?
A chapter is about to close in our lives as she heads to elementary school in August. I can't believe it is almost here. It has been a pleasure watching her grow up these past few years. I know there's a lot more growing up to do--for both of us. I know that part of raising kids is letting them go but, right now, that seems like it's a long way off. I want to protect her, keep her from feeling pain, getting her heart broken, her feelings hurt...but I know I can't. These are the things we all must go through in life. Things that hurt us but ultimately shape us piece by piece, as do joy, happiness, love and laughter. The good with the bad.
I've heard from other moms with high school-aged kids that, once they start school, time races by. I can see it starting already. But right here, right now, I know that I don't want to start letting her go, not yet. I'm not ready...then again, I may never be ready.
But she is, and kindergarten this Fall is the first step.
G-d, grant us both strength....
February 11, 2010
December 29, 2009
Tension
Things are a bit tense in my household these days, and have been for about the past month or so. I'm not sure what is going on exactly, but I do realize that I need to figure it out and also work it out.
The husband and I are doing a dance of sorts; after the girls go to bed each night, we each seem to exist in different rooms of the house, and ne'er the two shall meet. He will be in front of the TV in the family room while I will be at the computer in the dining room (honestly, I do spend way too much time in front of the computer and need to work on that) or he will be watching TV in the bedroom while I am in the family room, or some other similar schematic.
We rarely go to bed at the same time. He will head off to bed around 9 or so and I'll stay up doing things (making the girls' lunches, reading, doing laundry, and other assorted good times). He used to come up to me and tell me to 'wrap it up, it's bedtime' but that got old quick and I got tired of feeling like he was my dad telling me what to do. He doesn't do that any more and I kind of miss it in a weird way.
I can't tell you the last time we got a little frisky...it may have been a month or two ago. Coincidence? I think not.
I love him, couldn't imagine my life without him, and need to make sure he knows this...which--in somewhat typical male fashion--he usually equates with physical affection (and sex), something I am bad at expressing (having grown up in a household without much touching). It doesn't help that the girls are on me or touching me just about all the time we're together. I think I get a little 'touch-burned out,' if that makes any sense. I've told him about this previously but he just takes it personally, insisting that I don't want to touch him, that I don't look at him, that I don't see him.
Adding fuel to the fire is the fact that I am uncomfortable in my skin, which means that I am rarely, if ever, the aggressor in sex--which he takes to mean that I don't want him. I prefer the lights out too, generally to keep him from viewing my jiggly belly (that he says come with having had children), the floppy breasts (that he says are beautiful), the dimpled bottom. Sigh. I need to work on loving me more....
We are going away tomorrow through Saturday, without the girls. I think I need to make up for some lost time. Not to sound like a horrible wife/person, but it'll buy me time until the next lull in our life...a dance that has become a series of ups and downs emotionally and physically.
Who were we before we had these wonderful children? I think we need to get back to that. After all, one day, the children will leave the roost and we'll be left again with only one another's company.
Easy for me to say, now I just need to put my words into action. How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time....
The husband and I are doing a dance of sorts; after the girls go to bed each night, we each seem to exist in different rooms of the house, and ne'er the two shall meet. He will be in front of the TV in the family room while I will be at the computer in the dining room (honestly, I do spend way too much time in front of the computer and need to work on that) or he will be watching TV in the bedroom while I am in the family room, or some other similar schematic.
We rarely go to bed at the same time. He will head off to bed around 9 or so and I'll stay up doing things (making the girls' lunches, reading, doing laundry, and other assorted good times). He used to come up to me and tell me to 'wrap it up, it's bedtime' but that got old quick and I got tired of feeling like he was my dad telling me what to do. He doesn't do that any more and I kind of miss it in a weird way.
I can't tell you the last time we got a little frisky...it may have been a month or two ago. Coincidence? I think not.
I love him, couldn't imagine my life without him, and need to make sure he knows this...which--in somewhat typical male fashion--he usually equates with physical affection (and sex), something I am bad at expressing (having grown up in a household without much touching). It doesn't help that the girls are on me or touching me just about all the time we're together. I think I get a little 'touch-burned out,' if that makes any sense. I've told him about this previously but he just takes it personally, insisting that I don't want to touch him, that I don't look at him, that I don't see him.
Adding fuel to the fire is the fact that I am uncomfortable in my skin, which means that I am rarely, if ever, the aggressor in sex--which he takes to mean that I don't want him. I prefer the lights out too, generally to keep him from viewing my jiggly belly (that he says come with having had children), the floppy breasts (that he says are beautiful), the dimpled bottom. Sigh. I need to work on loving me more....
We are going away tomorrow through Saturday, without the girls. I think I need to make up for some lost time. Not to sound like a horrible wife/person, but it'll buy me time until the next lull in our life...a dance that has become a series of ups and downs emotionally and physically.
Who were we before we had these wonderful children? I think we need to get back to that. After all, one day, the children will leave the roost and we'll be left again with only one another's company.
Easy for me to say, now I just need to put my words into action. How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time....
December 20, 2009
Books books books!
I have a lovely SIL, who--recently at 31 years of age--underwent a radical hysterectomy. She and her husband had been trying to grow their family for the past 5+ years, when a D&C came back with some severely atypical hyperplasia that, if left untreated, would have become cancerous, hence the hysterectomy, but not before an egg retrieval cycle that yielded a bunch of eggs, two were transferred to a gestational surrogate, and miraculously, they 'stuck.' Her fraternal twins are expected in early June.
Along the TTC way, my SIL amassed a rather sizeable collection of infertility and pregnancy books in hopes of 'when.' She has given them to me, asking that I share them with anyone in the IF community who would like them. So, if you're interested, leave a message in the comment section with what title(s) you want and your email and I will touch base with you in a message to get the pertinent info to send the book(s).
I have the following books for the taking--all are in brand new or like new condition:
INFERTILITY TITLES-
1. Conquering Infertility by Alice Domar (2 copies available)
2. Infertility: Learn to Take Charge of Your Condition by Jenny Wolsk Bain (1 copy)
3. Making a Baby: Everything You Need to Know to Get Pregnant by Debra Fulghum Bruce and Samuel Thatcher, MD, PhD (1 copy)
4. The Unofficial Guide to Getting Pregnant by Joan Liebmann Smith, PhD, Jacqueline Nardi Egan, and John J. Stangel, MD (1 copy)
5. The Infertility Survival Handbook by Elizabeth Swire Falker (1 copy)
6. The Infertility Companion: Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility by Sandra L. Glahn, ThM, and William R. Cutrer, MD (1 copy)
7. Getting Pregnant: What You Need to Know Right Now by Niels S. Lauersen, MD, PhD, and Colette Bouchez (1 copy)
8. Fertility Book by Richard Marrs, MD, Lisa Friedman Bloch, and Kathy Kirtland Silverman (1 copy)
9. The Fertility Sourcebook by M. Sara Rosenthal (1 copy)
10. The Conception Chronicles by Patty Doyle Debano, Courtney Edgerton Menzel, and Shelly Dicken Sutphen (1 copy)
11. I Got Pregnant, You Can Too! by Katie Boland (1 copy)
PREGNANCY TITLES-
1. Affirmations for Your Healthy Pregnancy (1 copy-a small desktop daily flip book)
2. How to Make a Pregnant Woman Happy by Uzzi Reiss, MD, and Yfat M. Reiss (1 copy)
3. 15,000+ Baby Names by Bruce Lansky (1 copy)
4. The Pregnant Woman's Comfort Book by Jennifer Louden (1 copy)
5. A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy by Frank Mungeam (1 copy)
6. The What to Expect When You're Expecting Pregnancy Organizer (1 copy)
7. The Pilates Pregnancy by Mari Winsor with Mark Laska (1 copy)
8. The Everything Pregnancy Fitness Book by Robin Elise Weiss (1 copy)
Hope there are some titles in here that will be informational and/or helpful. Thanks for reading and happy holidays :)
Along the TTC way, my SIL amassed a rather sizeable collection of infertility and pregnancy books in hopes of 'when.' She has given them to me, asking that I share them with anyone in the IF community who would like them. So, if you're interested, leave a message in the comment section with what title(s) you want and your email and I will touch base with you in a message to get the pertinent info to send the book(s).
I have the following books for the taking--all are in brand new or like new condition:
INFERTILITY TITLES-
1. Conquering Infertility by Alice Domar (2 copies available)
2. Infertility: Learn to Take Charge of Your Condition by Jenny Wolsk Bain (1 copy)
3. Making a Baby: Everything You Need to Know to Get Pregnant by Debra Fulghum Bruce and Samuel Thatcher, MD, PhD (1 copy)
4. The Unofficial Guide to Getting Pregnant by Joan Liebmann Smith, PhD, Jacqueline Nardi Egan, and John J. Stangel, MD (1 copy)
5. The Infertility Survival Handbook by Elizabeth Swire Falker (1 copy)
6. The Infertility Companion: Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility by Sandra L. Glahn, ThM, and William R. Cutrer, MD (1 copy)
7. Getting Pregnant: What You Need to Know Right Now by Niels S. Lauersen, MD, PhD, and Colette Bouchez (1 copy)
8. Fertility Book by Richard Marrs, MD, Lisa Friedman Bloch, and Kathy Kirtland Silverman (1 copy)
9. The Fertility Sourcebook by M. Sara Rosenthal (1 copy)
10. The Conception Chronicles by Patty Doyle Debano, Courtney Edgerton Menzel, and Shelly Dicken Sutphen (1 copy)
11. I Got Pregnant, You Can Too! by Katie Boland (1 copy)
PREGNANCY TITLES-
1. Affirmations for Your Healthy Pregnancy (1 copy-a small desktop daily flip book)
2. How to Make a Pregnant Woman Happy by Uzzi Reiss, MD, and Yfat M. Reiss (1 copy)
3. 15,000+ Baby Names by Bruce Lansky (1 copy)
4. The Pregnant Woman's Comfort Book by Jennifer Louden (1 copy)
5. A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy by Frank Mungeam (1 copy)
6. The What to Expect When You're Expecting Pregnancy Organizer (1 copy)
7. The Pilates Pregnancy by Mari Winsor with Mark Laska (1 copy)
8. The Everything Pregnancy Fitness Book by Robin Elise Weiss (1 copy)
Hope there are some titles in here that will be informational and/or helpful. Thanks for reading and happy holidays :)
November 18, 2009
Food for thought
Today I saw my family doctor about a new mole I'd found on my scalp. It was dark and irregularly shaped so she did an excision.
As the lidocaine was being injected into my scalp to do the procedure, it hurt a little and I commented on it, saying, "It hurts a little but it's okay, I've given birth to two children, I can handle it."
Then my doctor segued into a "why stop at 2?" discussion. She went on to say that when she was 15, her older brother, who was 19, was killed in a motorcycle accident. She said she tells all of her patients not to stop at two children because if, god forbid, something happens to one of them, it's the other one who bears the brunt of it.
I imagine she knows what she's talking about, having herself been in that very situation...but now she's planted just the tiniest seed of 'what if' in my head.
For us, one baby was a miracle, two a blessing. Anything more seems to be asking for too much. I'm 40, soon to be 41. We're out of diapers now and in panties (hooray!), the bottles are long gone, and the sippy cups may soon follow. Soon we'll be down one preschool tuition when big sister starts kindergarten this August, a nice little bump back into our monthly budget, but...
Could we do it all again? Should we do it all again?
What if....
As the lidocaine was being injected into my scalp to do the procedure, it hurt a little and I commented on it, saying, "It hurts a little but it's okay, I've given birth to two children, I can handle it."
Then my doctor segued into a "why stop at 2?" discussion. She went on to say that when she was 15, her older brother, who was 19, was killed in a motorcycle accident. She said she tells all of her patients not to stop at two children because if, god forbid, something happens to one of them, it's the other one who bears the brunt of it.
I imagine she knows what she's talking about, having herself been in that very situation...but now she's planted just the tiniest seed of 'what if' in my head.
For us, one baby was a miracle, two a blessing. Anything more seems to be asking for too much. I'm 40, soon to be 41. We're out of diapers now and in panties (hooray!), the bottles are long gone, and the sippy cups may soon follow. Soon we'll be down one preschool tuition when big sister starts kindergarten this August, a nice little bump back into our monthly budget, but...
Could we do it all again? Should we do it all again?
What if....
November 11, 2009
I was lost but now I'm found
Somewhere along the way these past few years, I've lost me. Gone is the girl who used to enjoy doing physical things...bike riding, raquetball, swimming. Left behind in her place is a girl who sits in front of the computer, or the TV, or a book. A girl who is now the heaviest she has ever been in her life, outside of her second pregnancy and she's even toeing that line.
Back in 2003 and 2004, I was healthy, working out daily, eliminating simple carbs (rice, bread, potatoes, etc.) from my diet, watching what I ate and did. In the process, I lost 65 pounds, and kept them off--until I got pregnant with big sister. Then I was told that my former way of eating wasn't best for baby, so goodbye to that. There was a half-hearted attempt to restart it after big sister was born which resulted in my finally losing that last 20 pounds of pesky baby weight.
But then came my pregnancy with little sister, and the gestational diabetes, and the monitoring, and what not so that, by the time I finally had her, I was ready to throw it all aside and indulge. And indulge I did, and kept doing.
So now, I'm heavier than ever, unhappier with my appearance than ever, and finally ready to do something about it. It took my annual physical with my doctor to open my eyes--my fasting blood sugar was high and there was worry that I had become diabetic. One two-hour glucose tolerance test later (just as fun as it was during pregnancy) and it's not diabetes, but I do have impaired fasting glucose, and a borderline c-peptide level, meaning I could theorectically segue into diabetes if I don't take immediate steps to change my lifestyle.
There you have it. I want to be around for many years--to watch my girls grow up, go to college, hopefully have careers, get married, have children (assuming, of course, that they want these things for themselves) and so forth. I don't want to think of the alternative, of what's at stake now.
And so, today I embarked on a quest to reclaim myself. More exercising (hello muscles, remember me?), no more simple carbs (it was nice while it lasted), no sugar (my weakness!), and no caffeine (oh how I'll miss you). I've done it before, I can do it again.
I will do it again.
Back in 2003 and 2004, I was healthy, working out daily, eliminating simple carbs (rice, bread, potatoes, etc.) from my diet, watching what I ate and did. In the process, I lost 65 pounds, and kept them off--until I got pregnant with big sister. Then I was told that my former way of eating wasn't best for baby, so goodbye to that. There was a half-hearted attempt to restart it after big sister was born which resulted in my finally losing that last 20 pounds of pesky baby weight.
But then came my pregnancy with little sister, and the gestational diabetes, and the monitoring, and what not so that, by the time I finally had her, I was ready to throw it all aside and indulge. And indulge I did, and kept doing.
So now, I'm heavier than ever, unhappier with my appearance than ever, and finally ready to do something about it. It took my annual physical with my doctor to open my eyes--my fasting blood sugar was high and there was worry that I had become diabetic. One two-hour glucose tolerance test later (just as fun as it was during pregnancy) and it's not diabetes, but I do have impaired fasting glucose, and a borderline c-peptide level, meaning I could theorectically segue into diabetes if I don't take immediate steps to change my lifestyle.
There you have it. I want to be around for many years--to watch my girls grow up, go to college, hopefully have careers, get married, have children (assuming, of course, that they want these things for themselves) and so forth. I don't want to think of the alternative, of what's at stake now.
And so, today I embarked on a quest to reclaim myself. More exercising (hello muscles, remember me?), no more simple carbs (it was nice while it lasted), no sugar (my weakness!), and no caffeine (oh how I'll miss you). I've done it before, I can do it again.
I will do it again.
October 30, 2009
I can't quit you...
T@rget.
Maybe it was that big red bullseye that first drew me in. Or the cleanliness. Or the rows and rows of neat things, for home, for baby, for whatever and whoever.
I'm not sure what got me started when it comes to my love for T@rget but I can now admit that I am a T@rget-a-holic. And you know what they say about addiction: the hardest part is admitting it. So there, I've admitted it, accepted it, come to peace with it, all of the above.
I can go in for one thing and one thing only, and leave with a loaded cart, having spent way more than originally intended. Today, for instance, I went in to simply return two pairs of pants that I bought last time but that were too small for big sister (what? the 5Ts are too tight?! when did she get this big?!). But then...wait, what is that I spy over in the dollar section? Stocking stuffers, note pads, lip gloss...so much to catch my eye. Before I even realize what I am doing, I am pushing my cart out of the dollar section and deeper into the bowels of the store. Bliss. And don't even get me started on the Bookmarked section...porn for a former English major like me.
Cue forward almost an hour and I'm leaving with three bags full of stuff and just over $100 poorer.
Is it wrong that I then went home and promptlyhid everything put it all away? ;)
Maybe it was that big red bullseye that first drew me in. Or the cleanliness. Or the rows and rows of neat things, for home, for baby, for whatever and whoever.
I'm not sure what got me started when it comes to my love for T@rget but I can now admit that I am a T@rget-a-holic. And you know what they say about addiction: the hardest part is admitting it. So there, I've admitted it, accepted it, come to peace with it, all of the above.
I can go in for one thing and one thing only, and leave with a loaded cart, having spent way more than originally intended. Today, for instance, I went in to simply return two pairs of pants that I bought last time but that were too small for big sister (what? the 5Ts are too tight?! when did she get this big?!). But then...wait, what is that I spy over in the dollar section? Stocking stuffers, note pads, lip gloss...so much to catch my eye. Before I even realize what I am doing, I am pushing my cart out of the dollar section and deeper into the bowels of the store. Bliss. And don't even get me started on the Bookmarked section...porn for a former English major like me.
Cue forward almost an hour and I'm leaving with three bags full of stuff and just over $100 poorer.
Is it wrong that I then went home and promptly
October 27, 2009
Personal space, or "How I Almost Starred in a Lifetime Network Movie"
We were at D1sney W0rld this past weekend, enjoying the fruits of Walt's labors. While there, we had a lovely meal with Cindy-relly and family and then opted to head out to D0wnt0wn Diz afterwards.
While waiting for the magical bus to take us there, a heavyset woman on the next bench struck up a friendly conversation with me. She asked where we were from, how old the girls were, etc. A few minutes go by waiting and the nightly fireworks began to go off. Not a problem for most people, however, when you have a child with the world's most sensitive hearing, all hell breaks loose. There is much covering of ears, crying, and general unhappiness.
It got taken to a new level however when baby girl realized that she too could pull this card and get attention from mommy and daddy. So now we were faced with not one, but two unhappy-at-hearing-the-fireworks kids throwing fits. Yea us! While trying to talk them both down from the ledge, the bus arrives. Standing up to walk over to it puts us out further into the night sky and the fiery hell that is the fireworks a fair distance away in the Magic Kingdom. Cue more screaming and fussing.
And then...cue the heavyset lady going over and picking my baby girl up, holding her up to her neck and comforting her...all while I stood there in a stupor, dumbstruck at this move (and dumbstruck at the fact that baby girl has allowed someone other than me--and a stranger at that--to pick her up)! Then my mind starts going a hundred miles a minute...visions of her running off with baby girl, I'm going to have to chase her, or knock her down, or both, or something else entirely. OMG...what nerve she has, yet I am still in disbelief at this turn of events. The husband is giving me the stink eye to do something (what, he can't go over and take her himself?).
This woman takes her onto the bus, with me all but up her ass behind them. She sits baby girl down on a seat, then sits two away, while I sit down next to baby girl. Big sister then proceeds to sit down right next to the heavyset woman and chat her up. What kind of weird alternate universe am I in?
A few minutes later, the heavyset woman starts chatting me up as if nothing happened. She is so tired she says, being pregnant and all (which was hard to tell given her stature). She is 15 weeks along she tells me, and then she tells me how her first was a tubal, the second she lost at 17 weeks. I extend my sympathy, tell her how I lost my first one, commiserate that she's probably terrified until she reaches the 17 week mark and passes it with this one, and so on.
And then it hits me.... She could be the woman who finds out where I live (I did tell her the city, who knows how hard it might be to figure out the rest), kills me, my husband, and big sister, and takes baby girl for herself, having told everyone she was pregnant when she really wasn't. Hey, it could happen...it has happened in different scenarios. And she might have a tough time passing off a 2 1/2 year old baby girl as her own but I imagine stranger things have happened.
Looking back on it now, it was harmless, but while it was happening I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. I could only think, if I snatch baby girl back from her, it might offend her. Why would I care about offending this stranger? Maybe she was counting on my shock to give her an opportunity but then realized it wouldn't work. IDK, but I do know that something like that won't ever happen again. I don't care who I offend.
While waiting for the magical bus to take us there, a heavyset woman on the next bench struck up a friendly conversation with me. She asked where we were from, how old the girls were, etc. A few minutes go by waiting and the nightly fireworks began to go off. Not a problem for most people, however, when you have a child with the world's most sensitive hearing, all hell breaks loose. There is much covering of ears, crying, and general unhappiness.
It got taken to a new level however when baby girl realized that she too could pull this card and get attention from mommy and daddy. So now we were faced with not one, but two unhappy-at-hearing-the-fireworks kids throwing fits. Yea us! While trying to talk them both down from the ledge, the bus arrives. Standing up to walk over to it puts us out further into the night sky and the fiery hell that is the fireworks a fair distance away in the Magic Kingdom. Cue more screaming and fussing.
And then...cue the heavyset lady going over and picking my baby girl up, holding her up to her neck and comforting her...all while I stood there in a stupor, dumbstruck at this move (and dumbstruck at the fact that baby girl has allowed someone other than me--and a stranger at that--to pick her up)! Then my mind starts going a hundred miles a minute...visions of her running off with baby girl, I'm going to have to chase her, or knock her down, or both, or something else entirely. OMG...what nerve she has, yet I am still in disbelief at this turn of events. The husband is giving me the stink eye to do something (what, he can't go over and take her himself?).
This woman takes her onto the bus, with me all but up her ass behind them. She sits baby girl down on a seat, then sits two away, while I sit down next to baby girl. Big sister then proceeds to sit down right next to the heavyset woman and chat her up. What kind of weird alternate universe am I in?
A few minutes later, the heavyset woman starts chatting me up as if nothing happened. She is so tired she says, being pregnant and all (which was hard to tell given her stature). She is 15 weeks along she tells me, and then she tells me how her first was a tubal, the second she lost at 17 weeks. I extend my sympathy, tell her how I lost my first one, commiserate that she's probably terrified until she reaches the 17 week mark and passes it with this one, and so on.
And then it hits me.... She could be the woman who finds out where I live (I did tell her the city, who knows how hard it might be to figure out the rest), kills me, my husband, and big sister, and takes baby girl for herself, having told everyone she was pregnant when she really wasn't. Hey, it could happen...it has happened in different scenarios. And she might have a tough time passing off a 2 1/2 year old baby girl as her own but I imagine stranger things have happened.
Looking back on it now, it was harmless, but while it was happening I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. I could only think, if I snatch baby girl back from her, it might offend her. Why would I care about offending this stranger? Maybe she was counting on my shock to give her an opportunity but then realized it wouldn't work. IDK, but I do know that something like that won't ever happen again. I don't care who I offend.
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